Please note: in this blog, mental health and suicide topics are discussed. NZ Mental Health Foundation has a list of resources/helplines if you are worried about someone or need help yourself.

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When I look back, this exhaustion has its roots back in 2018 with the collapse of my right hip from arthritis (which was until then my good hip), five surgeries in 2019, then Covid in 2020… etc etc.

I never thought this would happen to me, but there you go. It snuck up on me, posing as fatigue. But no. It’s burnout and anxiety rolled into one tidy package leaving me with little to add to the business right now, and plenty to subtract.

Thanks to a wonderful base team around me led by Michelle Gudopp, very able Co Chairs, my Collective Intelligence team, and ever supporting wife Kate, I will live to the next epoch. Literally, there could have been a different outcome to this story if not for all of these people’s intervention.

That’s just how buggered I am. That's the downside of this passion and purpose stuff people go on about - it can be very harmful to the individual when it gets over-used.

I’ve been jaded many times in my life before, but this sucker is different. 

Why is that?

• I think the after effects of the Covid 19 pandemic has taken a toll on me because of the disruption to business and having to change plans time and time again. 
• This disruption has meant it’s been hard to deliver as fluently as we have in the past.
• We have been working hard on reimagining and recreating what we do in preparation for the future - on top of BAU.
• I have taken some really emotionally sapping phone calls and messages over the past few years - this has been mostly about their lives, and I have been worn down by others' crises.
• There were a few other niggles going on as well with some volunteer work I was asked to help with - Charities can be toxic beasts.
• Plus, I’m 64 years old later this year, and the only lift you get at times is the ‘dead cat bounce’.

How did it show up?

• A few months back I started having what I best describes as suicide sleeps. I would lie in bed at 3.30am thinking why the fuck even bother with this…
• Weekends I couldn’t recharge, and whatever was the last thing that happened on a Friday afternoon dictated how my weekend went.
• Then it got worse - I started suffering anxiety for the first time in my life. Fuck it’s a special wee gift. My Collective Intelligence team had suggested earlier to see my GP - I was a bit reluctant - but not anymore. I quickly got an online appointment for which I am very grateful, and the Doc asked great questions. She said I was handling things pretty well all things considered, and although she is not a big supporter of medication, put me on a low dose of something with a big name. Worked a treat immediately with my sleep patterns and took the edge off over the next few weeks.

So that’s me nearly under control…

• Earlier in the year one of our Co Chairs (Alex Hannant) suggested I take a sabbatical. He thought it would be great for me to freshen up and create space for the base team to find their groove without me around. I was mildly curious, but thought this is not the time for this, as business is coming out of a Covid funk time.
• Alex kept bringing it up; I kept it in the future. 
• Then it started being mentioned by the base team as well. Yeah okay. But not now - right?
• And then three weeks ago Marg Kouvelis (other Co Chair) invited me for lunch - catch up time. Nothing unusual about that. Until I sat down, and Marg put down a folder, which turned out to be a proposal for my six month sabbatical starting on August 1st, 2023. In it were terms of the sabbatical like taking my phone and laptop off me to make sure I got a clean break.

There it was in black and white - testament to a number of things:

• I had achieved a level of dysfunction that the team needed to intervene.
• They had the wherewithal to put this plan in place without me noticing.
• Did I take it personally? Yes.
• Was I proud of them? Yes.
• Did I feel a sense of relief? Absolutely.

When I reflect back on this time I am reminded that over the preceding weekend a thought had drifted through my head - if I had a heart attack now I wouldn’t need to go to work this week. 

A week after Marg had sat down with me in the cafe with the proposal, I was due to Host my wonderful Collective Intelligence team ‘Shambhala’. Hosting means the Collective Intelligence team all come to your business to help you with an opportunity or obstacle. It’s a unique experience, humbling and a privilege, creating a huge impact in making people more effective.

The timing of my host day was perfect, with the prearranged focus being on my succession and transition plan - also perfect for what was/is unfolding.

The first day I hosted them at home on Raumai Iti - our wee regenerative farm in the Rangitikei. The second day was more formal in Feilding.

This was such a wonderful circuit breaker, as within the week my tired brain was thinking up all sorts of stories. Am I still relevant - Does everyone want me gone - What future do I have?

I won’t go into the details, other than to say team Shambhala helped me gain perspective on where I am at, and that the business is in very capable hands while I’m away. 

The biggest insight I gained from them was that I needed to focus my next few months, not on a sabbatical (that name never sat well with me) but rather a regenerative period to get me prepared for my re-entry into the Collective Intelligence orbit. The Shambhala team introduced me to the reality that I will need to consider what skills need developing while I’m away, as I need to prepare for the next step with Collective Intelligence. Foof - That got the juices flowing.

Just like that, there was a paradigm shift for me, from - am I still relevant, to where and how do I need to step up in the future. The power and value of our ’ belong’ teams can never be underestimated.

So here I am three and a bit weeks out from my regenerative journey - excited to have a break and very proud and grateful to the team for making this possible for me.

I am now pondering what to do with this special time.

I’m keen to try new experiences and my first instinct is to go and get some casual work on my mate’s vineyard  in Hawkes Bay, to help out in any capacity, get some fresh air and get my hands dirty.

You will hear from me again before I disappear at the end of the month, but for now, consider this: 

I wrote this Blog because I know I’m not the only person suffering from this bloody burnout condition, especially in my age group. So ask for help - help others if it’s needed - and FFS we have got to learn to look after ourselves better - says he.

Last insight:

When I have openly shared how I am with others, there is a huge range of reactions and skill levels of response. 

Some shy away, some it’s territory they know well, others are tone deaf. The response matters - and shying away from the conversation is not the best policy. Tone deaf - no idea what advice I can give here.

This I know to be true - compassion works.

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